21 Jun 2016


When Jack first broke up with me (eternally traumatized sad face) it was a serious bummer every time I made a recipe because when we were together I would always share them with him, plus he was my #1 hand model (and you know, also the love of my FREAKING life). But I am getting the hang of... I dunno... eating more? And making single serving recipes. AND sharing with other people. BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE. More than anything, being single again for the first time in years - and since I was a teenager - is making me so grateful for my friends (old and new alike), supporters (you!) and mom. I thought I needed my entire support system in one person. I thought I needed my lover, my best friend, my companion, my caretaker, someone to take care of and my muse all in one person. But I didn't, and I don't. As much as I want to let him know about this amazing new combo of nice cream and hot oats I have discovered (thanks to Sophie), text him a food photo and excitedly tell him I am going to make him a bowl of it ASAP, I won't.

I have amazing friends. I can have casual lovers, but more importantly I can be my own lover. I am surrounded by inspiration and inspiring people. I have a kitty to take care of. I have MYSELF to take care of me. I'm on my period right now and this is the time of the month Jack would usually step up and bring me chocolates, rub my back and be even sweeter than usual. It's a very tough time to be without him, but as each month passes I am learning that I can rub my own goddamn back, I can bring myself chocolates (and eat them with friends who are hormonally synced up with me, along with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon... this happened a few nights ago), and my heat pad is my true saviour at the end of the day anyways.

Some days I miss him so deeply and all I want is to see his number pop up on my phone (I deleted his contact info but still have his number memorized), calling me, or hear his distinctive knock on my door. I imagine nestling into my safe space between his chest and armpit, smelling his wonderful body, and everything being ok again. Some moments I wish more than anything that he would get in touch and let me know he still loves me, that he made a mistake and wants to be together again. I miss his laugh. I miss his eyebrows. I miss his voice. I miss his tummy. I miss thrift shopping together. I miss showing each other new albums and artists. I miss our trips to Wells. I miss his wonderful family who pretty much adopted me while we were together. I miss eating SO MUCH food together. I miss sharing our lives and telling him things I wouldn't tell anyone else. I miss the absolute comfort we had in one another's presence. I miss growing beside each other, as two whole people that enriched the other's life. But as my exceedingly wise soul sister reminded me on Saturday: at once I can love someone, I can miss someone, and I can know I'm better on my own. I'm still trying to mend my utterly shattered heart so a large part of me is hopeful that one day we'll get back together: because wasn't he The One? Weren't we always meant to be together, ever since we had crushes on each other from the beginning of high school but were both too shy to do anything about it until 6 years later and 2 and half years ago? Wasn't he MY PERSON?

I am basically confused about everything in this shitty situation. Every morning I wake up hurting because I feel like the one person I loved so wholly for 36 months coldly threw me away like a piece of trash. Obviously this is a biased perspective and I am still in Angry Phase; I'm sure he sees things very differently. But one thing I am thankfully certain of - no matter what the future holds - is that I need to be single right now. I need to be on my own, take care of myself and journey inwards with the help of medicinal plants, meditation, exercise, travel, mum, friends, laughter and tears. When you break a bone, it grows back strongest in the place it was shattered.


Maple oats:
1/3 cup rolled oats
2/3 cup cold water
Pinch salt
3 tablespoons maple syrup

Blueberry nice cream:
3 frozen bananas
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1/4 teaspoon vanilla powder
1/4 cup almond milk

2 tablespoons peanut butter
Handful dark chocolate chunks
Handful frozen blueberries

To cook the oats: stir the oats into the water with the salt in a small pot and bring to a boil. Once bubbling, turn down to low heat and cook until you reach the consistency you like. You can add some almond milk if it gets too thick. Stir in the maple syrup. As the oats cook, make your nice cream.

To make the nice cream: blend all ingredients until purple and like soft serve. Scoop into a chilled bowl. Pour your oats over the nice cream and top with some goodies. Enjoy immediately!


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marielle said...

Hang in there love! It will get better. Keep being yourself and growing into yourself and learning more and more about yourself. Be your own best friend too! That way you are never alone <3

Kik said...

Good on ya. Everyone has to go through this in their 20s. The idea of "the one", of love solving every problem, of monogamous hetero lifelong happily ever afters, is a ridiculous ideal that hurts many people. You'll figure out different ways of doing it.

Unknown said...

So lovely, Emily! I am going to try this ASAP.

Keep up the positive thoughts as you do! It will all get better someday, even if now it seems unimagineable. It just does.

Love from Switzerland

Anonymous said...

this too will pass, promise. I know, been there; it feels worse than death, I know. but it did pass and I did laugh from my soul and I did find purpose it little things and I did learn to respect his choice and mean it and I can eat this amazing nice cream without having tears drop in them from my eyes because my heart is no longer devastated. love you.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this post made me teary eyed. I am thinking of breaking up with my partner and the thought of him and I through all this makes me sad. But staying with someone that I have doubts of being in a relationship with isn't ok either.

Stay strong... each day will just get better and easier. You're an inspiration to many people.

Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your life. Big hug to you.

Unknown said...

This looks yummy, my goodness!! What brand of peanut butter did you use?
I pray things get better for you. Things happen for a reason and Jack leaving you was meant to be, unfortunately. I wish you the very best and send you warm regards, love and light xoxx

Amy said...

Hi Em.
Long time reader, first time poster (although I think I may have written to you some time ago) Anyway, I just wanted to say that this was a particularly poignant post - and if I may say so, like all artists, it seems your capacity for poetic expression and a vision that is at once rounded and complex, have developped and matured under the curing effect of deep, emotional pain. You seem to be allowing yourself to experience it fully, and of course embracing the pain is the only way to understand it fully and finally let it go. Anyway, I could go on for hours, but the fact is, I almost didn't post anything, since I was worried I wouldn't find the right words (I hope I have) - but then, after closing the window to your blog, I listened to a kind of cheesy song that I have often listened to over the past years, which is in Spanish, and which I always thought I understood. But for some reason, Youtube offered me a different version of it, with English subtitles, and I realized that I had been misinterpreting it all along - and what struck me most is that the translation reads like a sung version of the very post of yours that I had just read (longwinded way of saying: this post). So I thought I couldn't not say something - so I came back here, posted this ridiculously long comment, and here's the song (as I said, it's kind of poppish, but I like it) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snj93QT82rg Take care and keep growing xxx

Shirley Pando said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. You will be stronger...it just might take a bit of time. Thank you for sharing your story.

ingrid D said...

Dear Em, as sad and exhausting those heartbroken moments are, it's those moments that will make you stronger, more wise and more confident in the long run. Life is full of peaks and valleys, yet both of them are what makes us truly human. Humble and vulnerable. Love will find you again but you need to find love for yourself first. And you will. You are an inspiration to so many.

Ree said...

Thank you for sharing your heartbreak with us-- so many of us have been there to some degree. Yes, it is a good time to find a small group of women to sync up with and have some time as a singleton to regroup and find out who you are now without this relationship. As I'm sure you know, how hard this hurts will pass in time, and you will come out stronger in the end.

This human life thing is hard, but somehow we get through it despite all it's burdens. I wish for you to find true peace with this soon.

Marko Vegano said...

I don't think anything I say will change thinks for you, but I think you know what you need. It's good to release any feelings, good and bad. Live, love and be good to yourself. To thy own self be true.

Alexandra said...

I haven't commented before, but this post struck me and left me teary eyed. Just a year ago, my relationship fell apart, it was doomed for several months before that, but at one point, I thought he was the one and couldn't imagine life without him. I took all the pain and the hurt, thinking this is what life is like because it's never perfect, and though I didn't love him as much as he loved me, I believed love would keep us together one day. Just as I was about to run away from my ex (the only way to break it off completely so he wouldn't stalk me), out of the blue, I met HIM. My One and only. My true love. And that's when I realized, it takes two to make things work. Our love is stronger than anything, even though he's older and has a loooong relationship behind him. He tells me I'm the one he waited for his whole life, and I say the same. The point is, heartbreak is hard. I still miss my ex even though he hurt me and I'm deep in love now, but I still wonder what he's up to like I do about friends though a part of me hates him. Time helps heal scars. It will get better. And one day, when you meet the ONE and the love is strong and mutual, you will agree with me. Stay strong.