I have amazing friends. I can have casual lovers, but more importantly I can be my own lover. I am surrounded by inspiration and inspiring people. I have a kitty to take care of. I have MYSELF to take care of me. I'm on my period right now and this is the time of the month Jack would usually step up and bring me chocolates, rub my back and be even sweeter than usual. It's a very tough time to be without him, but as each month passes I am learning that I can rub my own goddamn back, I can bring myself chocolates (and eat them with friends who are hormonally synced up with me, along with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon... this happened a few nights ago), and my heat pad is my true saviour at the end of the day anyways.
Some days I miss him so deeply and all I want is to see his number pop up on my phone (I deleted his contact info but still have his number memorized), calling me, or hear his distinctive knock on my door. I imagine nestling into my safe space between his chest and armpit, smelling his wonderful body, and everything being ok again. Some moments I wish more than anything that he would get in touch and let me know he still loves me, that he made a mistake and wants to be together again. I miss his laugh. I miss his eyebrows. I miss his voice. I miss his tummy. I miss thrift shopping together. I miss showing each other new albums and artists. I miss our trips to Wells. I miss his wonderful family who pretty much adopted me while we were together. I miss eating SO MUCH food together. I miss sharing our lives and telling him things I wouldn't tell anyone else. I miss the absolute comfort we had in one another's presence. I miss growing beside each other, as two whole people that enriched the other's life. But as my exceedingly wise soul sister reminded me on Saturday: at once I can love someone, I can miss someone, and I can know I'm better on my own. I'm still trying to mend my utterly shattered heart so a large part of me is hopeful that one day we'll get back together: because wasn't he The One? Weren't we always meant to be together, ever since we had crushes on each other from the beginning of high school but were both too shy to do anything about it until 6 years later and 2 and half years ago? Wasn't he MY PERSON?
I am basically confused about everything in this shitty situation. Every morning I wake up hurting because I feel like the one person I loved so wholly for 36 months coldly threw me away like a piece of trash. Obviously this is a biased perspective and I am still in Angry Phase; I'm sure he sees things very differently. But one thing I am thankfully certain of - no matter what the future holds - is that I need to be single right now. I need to be on my own, take care of myself and journey inwards with the help of medicinal plants, meditation, exercise, travel, mum, friends, laughter and tears. When you break a bone, it grows back strongest in the place it was shattered.
1/3 cup rolled oats
2/3 cup cold water
3 tablespoons maple syrup
Blueberry nice cream:
3 frozen bananas
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1/4 teaspoon vanilla powder
1/4 cup almond milk
2 tablespoons peanut butter
Handful dark chocolate chunks
Handful frozen blueberries
To cook the oats: stir the oats into the water with the salt in a small pot and bring to a boil. Once bubbling, turn down to low heat and cook until you reach the consistency you like. You can add some almond milk if it gets too thick. Stir in the maple syrup. As the oats cook, make your nice cream.
To make the nice cream: blend all ingredients until purple and like soft serve. Scoop into a chilled bowl. Pour your oats over the nice cream and top with some goodies. Enjoy immediately!
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