I have been eating so many of these in the past two days and I have ZERO regrets. They help me feel relaxed, less anxious and more fun. They also taste amazing. The recipe is quite similar to one I posted a some weeks ago, but the coconut oil in this version is infused with herbal goodness. It's optional, of course. Do what works for you. I dig it. Another adaption is that I used hazelnut butter instead of peanut butter here, so they taste a bit like Nutella. (Yesssss.) I highly recommend Prana Bio's hazelnut butter, it's the best I've ever had by far. Your mind will be blown.

I woke up today feeling pretty depressed. I've been sleeping more than usual lately which I know isn't good for my mood, but my bed is so comfy and I loooove my dreams. But if I let myself get into the habit of sleeping too much everyday, I have less energy and my positive mental attitude slowly fades away in place of a worried hopelessness. I convince myself I'm unsuccessful, too selfish, unloveable, untalented, and utterly alone the world. I know these are irrational beliefs at the same moment I allow myself to believe them. That's mental illness for ya. My anti-depressants do help a lot, I have far fewer bad days now than I used to. But they still come, inevitably. I need to devote most of my waking life to self care in order to keep my mood in a healthy place. I cannot imagine having to work 9 hours a day in an office or working for someone else or not having access to the plethora of resources and friends I do. I am so incredibly privileged, and I am so grateful for my privilege because honestly I don't know if I would be here without it.

Merely keeping my mind in a state of semi-wellness requires meditation twice a day, very clean eating, daily exercise and outdoors time, social time (but mostly alone time), music, dance, reading, writing, a consistent sleep schedule, and more. If one of these things falls to the wayside for more than a few days I can guarantee that within a week my mental health will visibly suffer and I'll end up in bed for at least a day, either scared to leave my house or apathetic to life. It's so challenging navigating my own brain and existence, and I cannot express enough how unfairly fortunate I am to have the time and capabilities to care for myself in all the cushioned ways I do. We all deserve to live the lives we want, yet the systems in place do not allow for that. But that's another discussion.

I am feeling a little better now. I had a couple of these macaroons and they've mellowed me out. I miss Jack a LOT today. He was always so good at making me feel better. I've been seeing a lot of people casually and upon reflection I'm realizing that with many of them, I'm just trying to find pieces of Jack. But I know that the answer (if there even is an answer...) will not be found in another person: it's all in me. I need to keep getting to know myself and discovering how to make this life hurt less. I will end this post with the same thought I ended my last journal entry with: "I'm not OK, but I'm OK with that."



Herb-infused coconut oil:
3/4 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup your fave dried herb, roughly ground

1/4 cup herb-infused coconut oil
1/4 cup hazelnut butter
2 heaping tablespoons cacao powder
3/4 teaspoon vanilla powder
1/4 cup maple syrup
Pinch sea salt
1 cup rolled oats
1 cup shredded coconut

To make the herb-infused coconut oil: prepare a double boiler (place a bowl/pot on top of a boiling pot of water) then turn the heat to low. Melt the coconut oil in the top bowl/pot of the double boiler. Add the herb to the oil. Let it infuse for at least 6 hours, but preferably all day. It should become slightly green and smell pretty strongly. Check on the water in the double boiler regularly and refill when necessary. Also smell the oil occasionally to make sure it doesn't burn (as long as you keep the heat low this shouldn't be an issue since we're just using steam). Let the oil cool and then blend it up with the herb, or strain the herb out. Let solidify in a jar and keep in the fridge!

To make the macaroons: melt the coconut oil then stir in the rest of the wet ingredients followed by the dry ingredients. You will have a moist, crumbly mixture. Press into cookies or bars or whatever you like (I used an ice cream scoop) and leave in the fridge for 10-15 minutes or until solid. Enjoy responsibly!

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