30 May 2016


Alright, folks: life can be really freaking rough sometimes. This post is gonna be dark for a sec but I promise the ending is hopeful.

Life hurts in so many different ways, for so many different people. We've gotta deal with the systemic oppression of various marginalized communities (i.e. MOST PEEPS) and the mistreatment of our animal pals, but on top of that we get more fun stuff like mental illness and heartbreak. Well, lucky me because I'm going through it all at once. I'm realizing I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and OCD for (probably) years. It has gotten very bad in the past 6 months, so much so that I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago and have started taken some low doses of medication. It helps a bit. But the gods have truly blessed my blonde, shaved head: because Jack has left me as well. My 22-year old mind tells me he was The One, the love of my life, my other half and all that stuff. It's *absolutely* and entirely crushing and I cannot imagine feeling more alone or hopeless. I'll be lying on the floor crying with a broken heart and think: at least it can't get worse. Except then I get an anxiety attack, depression hits, and I end up staying in bed for two days, feeling that the tiniest thing like walking to the bathroom is a chore.

So my days are constant battles between my newly realized (and yet/soon to be diagnosed) mental issues, this horrific break up I never saw coming, and the cocktail of both of them. #Party. Shit has been tough this weekend, I literally just stayed in bed listening to sad music, not eating. I didn't have the courage or energy to do anything else. But this evening I GOT UP. I GOT OUT OF BED. I made this smoothie and I am POSTING IT. This bout of depression is ending, I can feel my mood changing and my motivation coming back. I am going to focus on activities that make me happy or at least distracted. I'm gonna get back to the gym, see my friends, laugh, dance, work, travel and keep on truckin'. I am also taking steps to get the professional help I need. This smoothie is the colour of sunlight for a reason: I wanted something inspirational and full of light. I CAN and WILL get through this. I am strong and will be stronger. I am whole and will find more wholeness in myself. I love myself and that is enough. XO P.S. this album rocks.



1 cup frozen mango
2 cups chilled coconut water
1/2 teaspoon turmeric powder
1 cup pineapple
1 yellow bell pepper
1 banana

Blend it all up. LIVE YOUR LIFE. <3 

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alcatmom said...

Hugs to you. I'm not so great with words but I'm glad you are sorting things out. I do enjoy your blog, warts and all.

Sheelagh said...

I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. But also so glad you are starting to feel it lifting a little. Sending lots of love and support! xo

Anonymous said...

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

This book has helped me through many challenging times.

Amelia said...

<3 <3 <3 <3

Lisa | The Viet Vegan said...

Much love, dear Emily. You will get through this. I'm happy to see that you are creating and nourishing your wonderful bod. Eventually you will be able to open your heart and let yourself be loved again—because after heartbreak like this, it can be difficult to be vulnerable to that sort of pain again. Positive vibes are being sent your way ~<3~

perri said...

good luck working on a happier mind lovely! i'm sure other readers would say we are here for you as well :) i've been diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression last year and oh my goodness it was hard but two things that helped save me were yin yoga and after watching 'Food Matters' doco looking after my mind by feeding my body all the good things in the world and none of the bad stuff! it's how i found your blog actually. anyway, sending love and good thoughts xx

Anonymous said...

It is really ok and normal to feel miserable and anxious and spend a weekend in bed after a traumatic break-up. It takes a few months to really process. I think break-ups are really hormonally and physically traumatic too. Romance and human touch are something bodies habituate too. Don't be too hard on yourself or expect too much from yourself for the next while. There's no instant recovery from heartbreak and illness, it's a slow process. Good luck with diagnoses and treatments.

Laura said...

Big hug to you <3

Anu said...

Sending hugs and good wishes for better days. Sometimes you have to take it an hour at a time. I can relate as I've been through some excruciating stuff as well. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. The smoothie you posted is a great example of self-love. As someone else mentioned, it is a slow process but it does get better.

eatmybeets2 said...

I very much enjoy your blog and have followed you for a while now. Your honesty is beautiful. I've been through a couple of tough breakups with people I dated for 4+ years. It's the worst, and I'm sorry that you're going through it. It's hard to see right now, but know that this will get better. It will keep hitting you in waves, but gradually those waves will hurt you less and less. Know that you have a beautiful soul, and there will be another love. Humans were made to fall in love, but unfortunately, not all loves are for a lifetime. We can only try and appreciate what we've learned and experienced and know that our next experiences will be all the better for what we've gone through.

Anonymous said...

Hey - something fairly similar happened to me about 6 months ago now. I moved to another country with my boyfriend of 3 years after finishing university. I was ok for around 6 months in the new place then suddenly I had a few panic attacks, I didn't know what was happening, I'd suffered from depression for at least 5 years and had gone through a lot of mental stress due to education, IBS and also then the move. Once I had the attacks I left to go home and have never felt so scared or concerned about myself, as well as completely disconnected due to the anxiety. I completely lost myself over the 6 months of being abroad and even more so when I came home, and I didn't realise. It was one big shit storm at once, very much like what you are going through.

Looking back now it was a really good thing to happen, it made me realise I really needed to tackle or learn to understand and live with my mental illness/s, I'd dealt with them quickly and short term many times before but this was a big explosion. I couldn't leave the house, get on a bus, do much at all, I was just constantly scared of something and more scared of another panic attack. The relationship bit is weird as I too felt that he was the one and we planned many things but I realised it wasn't right and hadn't been great for a while and neither had I. It still feels weird now but I don't doubt that it was the right thing to do, I'm just working on making new memories now.

I now don't consider myself to suffer from severe anxiety or depression. I've turned myself around and it's strange somedays as I expect old habits to come through when I am overwhelmed or tired, but it's like there is a barrier now for bad thoughts - they don't get far. I don't walk on sunshine every day but I don't take it so hard when I'm a bit low.

BOOKS! For me books really help. The big one for me is At Last A Life - Paul David. This book saved me, I found his website on a day where I realised I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to live with my thoughts, he really explains everything and takes the fear away as an ex-sufferer himself. http://anxietynomore.co.uk/

Stop Thinking Start Living - Richard Carlson. This one is excellent for depression, I wish I had read it or been recommended it years ago, but I guess now was the right time for me.

Time is also a great healer, frustratingly, you probably won't believe that you are capable of reaching a high again but you will. Give yourself a chance, your body knows what it's doing. I hope this is of some help and relief in some form xx

Unknown said...

Ugh, when it rains it pours. Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Something that has helped me get through my bouts of depression is knowing that nothing lasts forever. It's human nature to endure many changes and you're built to get through this!

sassafras said...

Big hugs, dear one. Take everything one day at a time, revel in the small victories, and do one thing every single day for yourself — no matter how big or small — that is purely for your own pleasure. I am so sorry for this traumatically challenging time. And knowing the bright spirit you are, the positive change to come will be profound.

Janaya said...

I know exactly what you are going thru. I have been going thru darn near the same thing myself and it is HARD no lie. Facing your pain head on is difficult but necessary. But we are more than conquerors! It won't last forever and we WILL be stronger for it. We are strong, beautiful, intelligent, and talented. We were put on this earth for a reason and dagnabbit we we will accomplish it! We will drink this smoothie and we will be happy and the story of our overcoming will change the world!!!!!!!

(sorry, I got a little over excited there. lol)

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear! I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I've face my floor in tears many times. :)
Please check out Mark Hyman's work on how the foods you eat can be related to mood disorders. It's part of a functional medicine practice.

machi said...

Much love and kisses!nothing is worse than feeling helpless or that you have abandoned...you!the sun is shining everyday!let's really wake up and see it now that we can��

AF said...

Thank you for sharing all this. You're brave to do so and I'm glad you're able to find a glimmer of self-motivated action (ie. getting out of bed and making a healthy smoothie) in the midsts of the turmoil. I know that's often the hardest part.

pippadubh said...

Thank you for starring both this awesome smoothie recipe and the hard realities of life with depression and other tough stuff going on. I love that you have the courage to be real. Keep shining your bright yellow smoothie light <3

Kabo said...

You are so vibrantly alive. I can tell you experience things very intensely. I can't imagine how hard this is hitting you. I myself have gone through the crippling heartbreak/mental breakdown thing, and it's nightmarish. So hard on the soul and the body.

You know that you are strong. You are a warrior. Keep loving. Keep fighting. Sending light and prayers your way.

guacamels said...

hi emily! what brand of coconut water do you use in your smoothie recipes? i'm from indonesia and i grew up on fresh coconut water and want to find a good replacement here!

Rosa @rosvegmar said...

... well Emily, it seems that things cannot get any worse, but you know what? everything happens for something, things that are not to be are not, they are finished, gone. And that's the best. The good news is that everything is left behind, at first it hurts, it hurts a lot but it serves to make you stronger, whole, a better person.
I just want to send you my support and encouragement. Be strong and fight for yourself, much love to yourself!

Rosa @rosvegmar

Anonymous said...

you got this, em. so much love 2 you. you've got all the strength you need to get through this. sendin all the good vibes. ✨👊🏻🌻

Meg said...

Thank you for this post, it appeared in my inbox yesterday & couldn't have some at a better time. I too have been struggling with some mental health issues, relationship problems, worrying & wondering over every decision I've ever made (or haven't made) & about a month ago I moved halfway across the world from everyone I know & love. I read your words, I made your smoothie, I went for a walk in the sunshine, picked (okay, stole) some lilacs growing in a park & felt...better. Felt a little more like myself.

You're going to be okay, better than that, you're going to be great...I am too :)

Thank you again.

Unknown said...

The most difficult part of depression/anxiety/OCD is realizing that you need help and asking for it. You're already headed in the right direction. Like you, I first discovered that I had been suffering with mental illness for several years while I was still in my early 20's. Many years later, I can say that while living with depression is tough, I am tougher. You can do it. Never quit fighting. That's the key. BTW, love your smoothie recipes :)

Anonymous said...

Your blog has always been so bright and inspirational for me. Trying new recipes is one of my favourite hobbies when I am down.. sending all of the positivity you've brought me, right back at you! xo

Unknown said...

Im so sorry you had to go through all this. Thank you for sharing. I know exactly how you feel. I've been through the same thing. Sorry again. You are a beautiful person. ((hugs)).

moe said...

Hey Emily - Sounds to me like you really are experiencing a HUGE amount of painful things. You are really and truly wading bravely through some of the absolute most painful things that can happen in our lives.

I would like to thank you for your clear voice in speaking up about hurting - if it feels right, please please keep sharing what you feel and learn because, for every one of us who comments here, I am certain there are so many more listening silently and finding courage and hope in their own situations because of what you have to say. There is such value in our pain. Not even necessarily in learning how to move past it or make ourselves happier or our lives shinier (though there is a place and time for all that), but even just in saying, 'here I am - human - in this moment hurting, in the next smiling, in the next worried, ..." and so on through life. There is a certain organic elegance to the words and ideas in your blog as a whole, and I cannot help but think that the joys and sorrows of life could not have a better conduit than the likes of you.

I wish you wellness and peace and safety and calm as you continue on your path. On days when wellness, peace, safety and calm are out of reach, I wish you self-love and compassion for the parts of you that hurt. And, because no matter how resilient we are, sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else, know that: One, your pain is real and precious - it does not have to make sense or fit a certain timeframe or style of expression. There is no wrong way to grieve or live with pain. Two, the people in your life will show up for you, again and again, long after you may think that you need to cheer up for their sake. And finally, most importantly, you are infinitely worthy of love. Infinitely.


Robert said...

Hey Em,
Just sending some good vibes from New Zealand.
My little boy turns 4 in just over a week and he is so looking forward to his birthday cake, recipe for which, as always comes via you.
It can be a little tough for a little un to go to many other kids parties and know that he can't eat most of the stuff there (he's vegan and sugar free) but he's a good lad and takes it all in his stride.
Your gift to him of your recipes and inspiration are always a delight.
so, thanks hon,
x Robert

Gretel said...

I feel ya. I stopped breathing for a minute when I read this during my heartbreak. Maybe you can feel the same understanding.

"Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?"
- Robert Frost

Emma said...

Listen Emily: youre a bright, creative, gifted girl. I personally love your blog and recipes alongside your story. Im really sorry about your break up and have been through one recently that shattered me. I also struggled with depression, anxiety, and anorexia: it was really hard to overcome, but i realized i built up how horrible the world was to me in my head and that the world was much more beautiful than i made it out to be. One my best friends taught me that life isn't beautiful without death and our time here is a gift. Even when i thought everything was falling apart it wasn't. there were people who were standing strong and weren't falling like him. My friend had a devastating childhood and yet was strong and loved everyone- he made everyone feel unique and important, because they were. He taught me how to be happy again by setting apart the fixable from the unfixable. the unfixable being things that are merely the course of life, and the things that happen for reason to make us stronger. Our flaws and setbacks aren't what define us or the labels that people or ourselves put on us but instead the choices we make to grow from them. :) Youre such an awesome, talented, and truly unique human being- i hope that begin to feel better and overcome the crappy things that are going on- youre so much better than depression and anxiety. Youre deserving a full, happy life :)

Sally Kitten said...

So true!

Lady J said...

Dear heart my own goes out to you. When you stated that going to the bathroom felt like a chore, it took me back my life prior to helpful, medication that I spent the majority of my life avoiding. I now have the energy to walk to the bathroom, and it sounds like you are there as well. Good for you. You practice good health through what you eat, and now you are going further by finding ways to experience quality of life. Breathe, stretch your limbs, open your eyes, and be easy on yourself.

Sue Arnott said...

Many years ago, I was there too...in exactly the same place. Your story resonated 100% but the Gods lifted me up too. They told me that things couldn't get any worse so the only way it could go was 'up' and it did, over time. Mind you, I had to leave the country (England) to do it! It took a long time to truly learn how to love myself and be kind to me every day but it happened eventually. Big hugs to you and remember to just let the moods ebb and flow as they will. The smoothie looks delicious and yes, good, whole pants food healed me the most as well but it did take time....oh, and the love of my dog was huge as well!! Love and hugs!! xoxoxox

Unknown said...

Hello beautiful!
Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.
I hope I won't offend u by recommending u read this book : even if u do not agree with it I think it's always good to receive another perspective:)
These are some books that helped me heal and recover from depression and joint disease :

The vegetarian myth by Lierre Keith,
Healing wise by Susan weed,
Gut and Psychology Syndrome: Natural Treatment for Autism, Dyspraxia, A.D.D., Dyslexia, A.D.H.D., Depression, Schizophrenia
Book by Natasha Campbell-McBride.
I think u r very talented and that what ever path u take towards healing: is going to be profoundly magical!
Big hugs!!

yelley said...

Hey Emily!
Here are some books that helped me recover from depression joint disease and ADHD:
The vegetarian myth by Lierre
Healing wise by Susan weed,
Gut and Psychology Syndrome: Natural Treatment for Autism, Dyspraxia, A.D.D., Dyslexia, A.D.H.D., Depression, Schizophrenia
Book by Natasha Campbell-McBride.

Whatever healing path u take, I know it will be magical : & u will learn and grow wiser and stronger!

+ some herbs may offer support like lemon balm, oat straw even chamomile and lavender xx

Joy Smith said...

Are you serious? Smoothie for emotional strength, this the most interesting thing you shared here. I just need it badly sometimes when I am not in good mood and emotions are flooding out of me. Thanks for sharing this smoothie I am defiantly going to try it.